現実(Reality)

...Ah I started again. In a few seconds, I will fall and it will get darker, how many times is it now? 

 I have started to get tired...It is gone dark and silent again, I can feel it, I am back in that place. 

And like always no matter how hard I try I cannot open my eyes but I can clearly see myself floating inside the deep dark ocean. I am stuck there, I hate it or I used to hate it.

Every time I was in that deep, dark hole stuck without a word, help or reason it would frustrate the hell out of me. So many thoughts would flood my mind - Why does it happen to me?!.. I look so lonely and scared, can someone save me, please?!.. I will do anything to escape, please save me...What did I do so wrong?... Let me die, no one cares either way...If I get lost here forever it would not matter, it is better this way...You do not deserve to live...I knew it! this is what happens when I get happy... I want to die... Let me die already!... I do not wish to live in this crappy world where every day I am in pain...

The number of thoughts like these that rushed over would suffocate me more than being stuck there inside the ocean. How many times they have caused me more pain and suffering than my own miseries, I do not remember, I lost count. Even after telling myself that it is a dream, it is not real, I could not escape it. I kept going back to it again and again, and I would suffer endlessly, again and again. I could not understand why I did that, what was I trying to find in it? What was in that dream that made me more miserable than my own reality yet still I wanted to go back to it? I could not figure it out. It took me 4 years to find the answer. 

Do you want to know? 

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I was so occupied with the thought of drowning that I overlooked something very important. It was only recently when I started to do a simple thing I noticed it. All these years, and even now when that dream flashes before my eyes there was one thing that never changed in it. It was that one thing which I did not consciously observe but my unconscious was driven to it madly. It was the reason why I kept going back to that harsh reality of being stuck in that deep, dark hole in the ocean. 

You see when I got past the noises in my head which appeared when I realized I was there in that terrible place I got to see my face. Though my eyes were closed and I was surrounded by darkness my facial expression was calm and I looked so peaceful. Though it was cold and freezing on the outside I looked warm on the inside. 

It was a mind-blowing revelation for me. 

I had not understood what it meant all these years, how stupid I was. 

I got caught up in my mind and got distracted from the actual reality of that dream. 

It was a mirror. It was a mirror that showed me my reality.

 It unbiasedly reflected everything as it is but I saw it with my biased mind and could not see the whole picture. 

No matter how dark, cold, and miserable you feel on the outside it can never affect or change who you are on the inside. 

We often do not travel to the depths because we get scared or easily distracted and get stuck on the surface of our worries, emotions, actions, and our own self. 

It is only when we get past the surface and look within ourselves,

 truly explore the depths,

 we will see that the reality of our problems, worries, emotions, and actions appear in contrast to our imagined realities.

Now, whenever it shows up I accept it as it is. 

It does not scare me anymore, rather it brings a great deal of comfort and assurance that there is hope.

And if I live long enough and do not give up, I too can learn to see things as they are. 

And learn to accept that things do not happen to me but for me, for my own sake. 

That dream means nothing, it is nonsense yet at the same time it means something and makes sense.

Thank you for reading! Until Next Time!!