내면의 아이 (Inner Child).


 My heart kept wrenching, and everything felt disturbing cause there was no ending to this monologue, at least that is what I thought. I wanted to run away, far away from reality. Every thought, person, and dialogue kept getting tangled up inside my head. I knew my idea of my perfect self was crumbling down, and there was no escaping it. And as I surrendered to the chaos and made peace with reality, a series of dark nights followed. It was only when I reached that place where darkness engulfed every being I found you. 

I knew only you in that nothingness, yet I hesitated to approach you. You who looked like an angel but behaved like a demon were confusing. You who were lost and abandoned by me, sacred and lonely sat there trembling in fear. I knew no amount of words can console you, your hatred was valid. What was I doing all this while? I acted all high and mighty believing I am the angel and you were the demon I had to get rid of.  What a fool I was, 'cause you and I were on the same side - Mine. 

The moment our eyes met I started to understand your pain. It was mine as well. I was so busy after chasing the idea of being an adult who is perfect and an all achiever I left you here feeling miserable. I was so smitten that when I sensed cracks within me I could not accept them. When I was forced to see that my ideal self was overpowering who I really am, the world around me started to fall apart. It was my dying breath that brought me here. 

When I sit here with you and listen to this silence, how everything that happened so far makes sense. It was meant to happen. And I made all the choices. I can still make a choice - Take you with me or leave you here again. What do I choose? You or Me or You and Me?...

I have known and will know only you. I may never completely understand you but I know this much - You have always stayed with me. Going forward you will still be with me. Then I do not want to abandon you, however, I do not know how to console you. I am scared what if I end up hurting you even more? 'Cause I have a knack for hurting people I love. But It is time to get over my fears.

Then I am going to do what I have never done until now, learn to love you. I will not talk about it but show it to you. Give my all, and love each and every being of you until there comes a day when you and I are drowning in love. 

I Am Sorry. Please Forgive Me. Thank You. I Love You. 

These were the first words I spoke to my younger self the day I found her in the darkness. I learned to embrace her first. Then focused on healing our relationship. Through the darkness, we journeyed toward love and light together. We still have a love/hate relationship between us but we have each other's backs now. It took me long enough but I am thankful to have understood You and I are One, You're truly mine - My Inner Child. 

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